Are you asking why it's you because you wish for an explanation? Or are you asking this because you don't feel worthy enough? You don't feel as if you are the right person for me, in any way?
[He has a feeling this isn't about wanting clarification for his feelings. No, he knows Arakita better than this by now. He doesn't think he wants to really know "why me". What he wants to know is, "What is it about me that I don't see that you do?"
What is it in Arakita that anyone could see, that would make them want him this much.]
If I were content with anyone else, I wouldn't be here with you. [He'd be with Makishima right now and not with Arakita, he would have kept this as a simple phone conversation or text message, he wouldn't have tried to ask him to live with them. He wouldn't be looking at him as if he really wanted to just kiss him so he stops doubting his worth.]
You already know what I see in you, what my opinion of you is. None of that has changed. What I see in you is not someone else. Someone else isn't you.
[Kinjou leans in, rests his forehead against Arakita's. He looks the same as he always does, as he remembers him from back home, but its been months since he's been able to hold him, since he's been able to touch him, since he's been able to look into his eyes and see the features of his lashes this close, every detail of his face, the scent of his hair, the way he feels. His fierce determination, his fiery attitude, his sweet tooth and love of Bepsi, the way he adores cats but hates to admit it, how he follows beside him so well on the roads like he's always been with him. He always wants him there, with him.
He's missed him. He really, really wants this. He wants him. He shouldn't... but he does.]
Arakita Yasutomo. That is who you are. That is the person I feel this way for. It isn't "why", it's "because". Because it's you.
[Kinjou hit the nail on the head about that second question, and as much as Arakita tries to not make it so obvious, it still shows in the almost wince in his expression. He's right, he knows he has a point with saying he wouldn't be here if he didn't like him, but this all feels a little - Arakita should just let him. He should just let him do as he pleases, but part of him still doesn't understand. Letting him dip in and raising his eyes to meet Kinjou's gaze, Arakita feels his face going hot as he realizing he's being quietly admired.
His mouth actually falls a little open in how he wants to argue against it, he wants to keep saying he doesn't understand - he still doesn't. But he doesn't feel he can, really, and whatever words came to mind before quietly fade out into simply making this soft mumble.]
[There's a quiet, curious stare before Kinjou lets out a huff of a laugh.]
I'm afraid so, yes. [He doesn't know if that's starting to become a problem, what with the way Arakita reacts to it, how Makishima always seems to fluster up the same way. Maybe he really does need to learn to tone it back just a little.] Makishima always tells me that I am very embarrassing.
[His thumb smooths against Arakita's cheek but he doesn't bridge past that last bit of space between them to kiss him, because he thinks Arakita might not want that right now. That might be too much.]
Do you dislike it?
[Him being this close, him saying these things, probably making his head and heart a mess. He doesn't want to, but he can't help it. Not when Arakita leaves him the exact same way.]
[Arakita knows they're alone, they're in the privacy of Kinjou's (soon to be old) apartment, but he can't help just how flustered and bowled over he feels. Someone actually wants him, whether Arakita understands how he could or not, and the feeling is downright intense. Turning his face to hide it against Kinjou's hand, peeking at him slowly even when he reaches up to keep that hand in place so he's only able to look at him through that gap between finger and thumb, Arakita mumbles even as he quietly kisses his palm.]
No. You are embarrassing as hell though, fuck. So damn sure of what you want.
[Kinjou closes his eyes as if to help give Arakita that privacy, let him regain his senses and not quite feel so exposed even if he has no reason to hide from him.]
I wasn't always like this. [He means his decisiveness, his faith of what he believes and what he wants. There was a time where he couldn't think for himself, where his impulses led him to following the impulsive desire of wanting to please someone, and when they left him he didn't know what to do. He was lost, couldn't find his way, couldn't figure out what to do with himself or if there was even a path for him anymore. But that was his turning point. That was when Kinjou learned that he was a person that didn't give up. He needed to get stronger, he needed to know himself and believe in himself and follow that solid, stone path he'd always remain on. That was how he met Makishima, and Tadokoro. That was how he built Sohoku's team, that was how he made himself who he is now.]
But I prefer things as they are now. This is who I wish to be. It led me to my team. To Makishima. [His eyes slowly open.] It led me to you.
[Kinjou finally pulls his hand free from his pocket, holds it in a fist in his lap.]
[He has to keep Kinjou's other hand to his face, he has to with those words led me to you, because his face utterly burns. His free hand turns though, he just turns it palm side up with his fingers open, leaving it there on his knee in an offering to accept whatever Kinjou is going to give him even if he still feels overwhelmed - he doesn't want to decline any of what he's offering. He doesn't hate it, he likes this feeling.
He does like spending time with Kinjou, whether it's slouching around doing absolutely nothing, or riding together, or talking in general. His presence isn't the solid stone he always took simple comfort from before, he isn't a reminder or a replacement for Fukutomi - they're very different people with a similar comfort level, for Arakita. This is along the lines of admitting to himself that yes, he does want a relationship like this with Fukutomi one day, but admitting it any further than to himself in his heart is as far as he'll go; right now, he's also admitting that he wants to see where this could go with Kinjou.
So he gently flexes his fingers in a small gimme motion to that closed hand.]
[He watches as Arakita's face burns bright red, he's almost worried about all the blood that must be rushing to his head, but he gives him an apologetic kiss to his chin before leaning his head back and offering him space to breathe. He keeps his hand against Arakita's cheek, keeps that single hint of contact as his fist settles in Arakita's open palm and his fingers unfurl, dropping something hard yet warm from his grip into Arakita's hand.
When he pulls away, there is a silver circular tag there, the sort you'd use for a pet's collar. There's no decoration on the visible side, no engravings or anything of the sort, just untouched silver. Then Kinjou reaches back in to flip it over. On the other side, right in the very center in a small, simple font, is the engraving of his first name. Yasutomo.]
[Letting his gaze finally turn down to look at what Kinjou has put into his hand, Arakita lifts it to look at it closer, carefully turning it in simple inspection - this way and that and his gaze focuses on that simple engraving. He really did it, he really did get a dog tag. It's not just a symbol of the collar play they do, it isn't just something to add to it, it's ... an offering. Smoothing his thumb over it and closing his eyes, breathing in deep, Arakita finally lets Kinjou's hand drop from where he had been hiding against it and leans in, if only to give him a solid, simple kiss on the mouth.]
[Kinjou swears he must have been holding his breath, because the second he can hear Arakita's answer he ends up sucking in a deep breath and leaning back in to return the kiss in full. And it hits him there.
He might be in love with Arakita.
No, he's sure of it. He does. He's actually in love with him. And he doesn't know if now is the right time to tell him. Kinjou pulls back, gazes at Arakita with the utmost fondness as he murmurs quietly.]
You mean very much to me. I want you to know this. [Not just as some sort of pet, not just as someone he can go to when he needs an escape, when he wants someone to dote on and who will listen to his every want and need and command. No, that's not what defines Arakita in his life. What he loves isn't just all those things, it's him. Everything he knows about him, his personality, his emotions, the way he caries himself, the way he trusts him, the way they've gotten so close and understand each other so well. Arakita himself, everything about him. He loves it all.]
[Even if Arakita doesn't understand, it still makes his heart thud in his ears and his lips turn up into this smile as he sets their foreheads together and matches that gaze with an embarrassed - yet pleased - look of his own. He's never had someone look at him like this before, it's different. It's not bad though.]
Ne, Kin-chan. I get the feelin' you're gonna surprise me in the future, if I were to have some kind of future jump in five minutes like you did, huh.
[A warm bloom of color spreads over his cheeks, just a slight bit of red, but Kinjou couldn't be more happy right now as Arakita gazes at him with that expression he appreciates so much, that trusting fond look he's gotten so used to seeing from him that he never wants to lose. His lips quirk in a gentle smile as he settles a hand on Arakita's neck, glides forward into the hair at the nape of his neck and rubs gently with the pads of his fingers.]
I might. It wouldn't be a surprise if I said anything about it. [He just hopes Arakita is happy with what he finds out, whenever that happens. As long as he's happy. That's all he wants.
[Letting his eyes close slowly after focusing on that gentle smile, Arakita exhales this low hum at the fingertips working at the nape of his neck and tips his head up, just to meet that kiss. Meeting it partway and shifting to scoot in closer, Arakita curls his fingers securely around that tag in his hand and nips softly at his lips, gentle when he kisses back. He's right, really - it won't be a surprise if he goes and asks, so he'll be patient and wait.
Kinjou will want the satisfaction of surprising him, and what does he need to rush for? They've got time.]
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2016-07-13 05:58 am (UTC)[He has a feeling this isn't about wanting clarification for his feelings. No, he knows Arakita better than this by now. He doesn't think he wants to really know "why me". What he wants to know is, "What is it about me that I don't see that you do?"
What is it in Arakita that anyone could see, that would make them want him this much.]
If I were content with anyone else, I wouldn't be here with you. [He'd be with Makishima right now and not with Arakita, he would have kept this as a simple phone conversation or text message, he wouldn't have tried to ask him to live with them. He wouldn't be looking at him as if he really wanted to just kiss him so he stops doubting his worth.]
You already know what I see in you, what my opinion of you is. None of that has changed. What I see in you is not someone else. Someone else isn't you.
[Kinjou leans in, rests his forehead against Arakita's. He looks the same as he always does, as he remembers him from back home, but its been months since he's been able to hold him, since he's been able to touch him, since he's been able to look into his eyes and see the features of his lashes this close, every detail of his face, the scent of his hair, the way he feels. His fierce determination, his fiery attitude, his sweet tooth and love of Bepsi, the way he adores cats but hates to admit it, how he follows beside him so well on the roads like he's always been with him. He always wants him there, with him.
He's missed him. He really, really wants this. He wants him. He shouldn't... but he does.]
Arakita Yasutomo. That is who you are. That is the person I feel this way for. It isn't "why", it's "because". Because it's you.
no subject
on 2016-07-14 09:46 pm (UTC)His mouth actually falls a little open in how he wants to argue against it, he wants to keep saying he doesn't understand - he still doesn't. But he doesn't feel he can, really, and whatever words came to mind before quietly fade out into simply making this soft mumble.]
Kin-chan, you're damn gushy, aren't you.
no subject
on 2016-07-15 02:32 am (UTC)I'm afraid so, yes. [He doesn't know if that's starting to become a problem, what with the way Arakita reacts to it, how Makishima always seems to fluster up the same way. Maybe he really does need to learn to tone it back just a little.] Makishima always tells me that I am very embarrassing.
[His thumb smooths against Arakita's cheek but he doesn't bridge past that last bit of space between them to kiss him, because he thinks Arakita might not want that right now. That might be too much.]
Do you dislike it?
[Him being this close, him saying these things, probably making his head and heart a mess. He doesn't want to, but he can't help it. Not when Arakita leaves him the exact same way.]
no subject
on 2016-07-15 02:48 am (UTC)No. You are embarrassing as hell though, fuck. So damn sure of what you want.
no subject
on 2016-07-15 04:52 am (UTC)I wasn't always like this. [He means his decisiveness, his faith of what he believes and what he wants. There was a time where he couldn't think for himself, where his impulses led him to following the impulsive desire of wanting to please someone, and when they left him he didn't know what to do. He was lost, couldn't find his way, couldn't figure out what to do with himself or if there was even a path for him anymore. But that was his turning point. That was when Kinjou learned that he was a person that didn't give up. He needed to get stronger, he needed to know himself and believe in himself and follow that solid, stone path he'd always remain on. That was how he met Makishima, and Tadokoro. That was how he built Sohoku's team, that was how he made himself who he is now.]
But I prefer things as they are now. This is who I wish to be. It led me to my team. To Makishima. [His eyes slowly open.] It led me to you.
[Kinjou finally pulls his hand free from his pocket, holds it in a fist in his lap.]
Arakita, will you give me your hand?
no subject
on 2016-07-15 05:10 am (UTC)He does like spending time with Kinjou, whether it's slouching around doing absolutely nothing, or riding together, or talking in general. His presence isn't the solid stone he always took simple comfort from before, he isn't a reminder or a replacement for Fukutomi - they're very different people with a similar comfort level, for Arakita. This is along the lines of admitting to himself that yes, he does want a relationship like this with Fukutomi one day, but admitting it any further than to himself in his heart is as far as he'll go; right now, he's also admitting that he wants to see where this could go with Kinjou.
So he gently flexes his fingers in a small gimme motion to that closed hand.]
no subject
on 2016-07-15 06:24 am (UTC)When he pulls away, there is a silver circular tag there, the sort you'd use for a pet's collar. There's no decoration on the visible side, no engravings or anything of the sort, just untouched silver. Then Kinjou reaches back in to flip it over. On the other side, right in the very center in a small, simple font, is the engraving of his first name. Yasutomo.]
You don't have to keep it. Only if you'd like to.
no subject
on 2016-07-15 06:29 pm (UTC)'m keepin it. I wanna see how it looks on.
no subject
on 2016-07-16 06:19 am (UTC)He might be in love with Arakita.
No, he's sure of it. He does. He's actually in love with him. And he doesn't know if now is the right time to tell him. Kinjou pulls back, gazes at Arakita with the utmost fondness as he murmurs quietly.]
You mean very much to me. I want you to know this. [Not just as some sort of pet, not just as someone he can go to when he needs an escape, when he wants someone to dote on and who will listen to his every want and need and command. No, that's not what defines Arakita in his life. What he loves isn't just all those things, it's him. Everything he knows about him, his personality, his emotions, the way he caries himself, the way he trusts him, the way they've gotten so close and understand each other so well. Arakita himself, everything about him. He loves it all.]
no subject
on 2016-07-17 03:42 am (UTC)[Even if Arakita doesn't understand, it still makes his heart thud in his ears and his lips turn up into this smile as he sets their foreheads together and matches that gaze with an embarrassed - yet pleased - look of his own. He's never had someone look at him like this before, it's different. It's not bad though.]
Ne, Kin-chan. I get the feelin' you're gonna surprise me in the future, if I were to have some kind of future jump in five minutes like you did, huh.
no subject
on 2016-07-17 05:20 am (UTC)I might. It wouldn't be a surprise if I said anything about it. [He just hopes Arakita is happy with what he finds out, whenever that happens. As long as he's happy. That's all he wants.
Kinjou leans in and kisses him.]
no subject
on 2016-07-20 10:01 pm (UTC)Kinjou will want the satisfaction of surprising him, and what does he need to rush for? They've got time.]